Q1 Employee Handbook: What Counts as "Work"?

To all employees,

As part of our Q1 onboarding process, the Department of Human Resources has been asked to provide a clear definition of “work” for classification purposes within the Hardly Working time reclamation system.

After three weeks of internal deliberation, the Department has determined that this task presents unexpected definitional challenges.

The Diagnostic

Please answer the following questions about your current occupation. Responses are confidential and will not be reviewed by management.

1. Does your daily output exist in a form that can be seen, touched, or measured?
2. If you did not show up tomorrow, would anyone notice within 48 hours?
3. Could you explain what you do to a stranger in one sentence without using jargon?
4. Have you ever completed a task that was immediately undone by another department?
5. Do you attend meetings about meetings?
6. Has your job title changed more than twice without your responsibilities changing at all?
7. Could a moderately trained golden retriever perform your core function?
8. Have you ever spent an entire afternoon on something that was later described as “no longer a priority”?

Scoring

0–2 “yes” answers:You may be performing what economists call “real work.” This is unusual. Please report to the Department of Anomalies.

3–5 “yes” answers: You are a standard knowledge worker. Your role is a complex blend of actual contribution and organizational theater. This is normal.

6–8 “yes” answers: Welcome to Hardly Working Corp. You are exactly who we built this for.

A Note on Definitions

The Department of Human Resources has concluded that “work” cannot be meaningfully defined in the context of the modern office. Activities that appear productive (attending meetings, replying to emails, updating spreadsheets) may produce nothing. Activities that appear unproductive (staring out a window, taking a long walk, browsing the internet) may produce your best idea of the quarter.

We have therefore abandoned the concept of defining work and will instead focus on defining not-work, which is significantly easier and more honest.

Not-work is anything you do during paid hours that you would not describe to your manager with a straight face. This is what Hardly Working tracks.

Conclusion

Time spent reading this memo should be logged under the appropriate activity code.

— Dept. of Human Resources
(Currently on a coffee break)